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WALTHAM, MA (AP) - Investigators with the FBI Bioterrorism Unit revealed today the existance of a secret cloning facility at Brandeis University. This revalation comes in the wake of an extensive two-year investigation by the FBI into possible illegal experimentation at the renowned university's new Volen Center for Complex Systems.

"Frankly, we're shocked," stated Special Agent John Hackney at a recent press conference. "The Jewish conspiracy reaches its tendrils very far into American and international life. Jews control the media, Hollywood, and the Internet. But we had no idea they had taken over the biological sciences as well."

Reports released by the Justice Deparment state that Brandeis cloning experiments have been ongoing over the last ten years. The effort, conducted in secret, was initiated by University President Jehuda Reinharz in 1992, with primary responsibility resting on Professor Chris Miller (BIO), who also heads the biochemistry program at the university.

"Basically, they have perfected this technology to a degree unknown to the rest of the world," stated Hackney. "Not only can they clone animals in massive numbers, but Brandeis scientists have also invented a way of increasing the speed of the gestation cycle, in effect quadrupling the rate of development of the embryos." Once Brandeis scientists perfected their new techniques on mice and sheep, they moved on to larger goals.

"One day I walked into a restricted area by mistake, and what did I see but vats full of babies!" declared an FBI informant, known only by the internet handle "Squirrel." To date investigators have found evidence of at least twenty cloned human beings in various stages in the development process.

Squirrel claims to have worked on the experiments unknowingly for over a year. "They wanted some pretty intensive computer calculations," Squirrel stated, "but I always figured they were just mapping genes or something. But man, that 32 node Beowulf cluster should have tipped me off sooner."

Professor Frank Le Obvius, a geneticist at Harvard, claims the this new Beowulf supercomputer was the key to unlocking the human genetic code. "Basically what they did, from what I can tell, is scan in the cells of high-ranking faculty members." After sequencing this data, Brandeis scientists were able to create what Obvius terms "digital prints," human embryos, created by the biological equivalent of computer printers, which they could then grow to maturity in test tubes.

The Associated Press has acquired indisputable evidence of the cloning experiments, widely ridiculed in the mainstream (Jewish-controlled) media. These new photographs, taken by our operatives on the Brandeis campus, show clearly the presence of cloned students at that college.

Tim Hickey, a high-ranking member of the Brandeis faculty, claims to be the married father of two, but in fact he has another son, this one from his own DNA. Mini-Hickey was created a little over four years ago as the first human experiment. Thanks to the Brandeis aging innovations, he is now the equivalent of an 18 year old college student.

This photograph, taken at Yakus Pond, clearly shows the Hickey clone traveling the Brandeis campus. Note the similarities in complexion, bone structures, hair, and facial features. Four independent experts contacted by the AP have verified this resemblance scientifically, using the most accurate computer measuring and modeling tools.

"What we have here is a conspiracy of the highest degree," claimed the World Defense League in a written statement published today. "This is proof of our worst fears - that the Jews understand technology, and that they are not afraid to use it." The report claimed a clear goal for these new activities. "Brandeis claims to be a non-sectarian university, but its Jewish connection is clear. Obviously, they are trying to create a massive clone army to take over the world."

While Jews do not traditionally prosthelytize, the WDL suggests that the religion, one of the "big three" Western faiths, is filled with a hunger for control and power dating back from their Egypt days.

"They were persecuted by Pharoah, by the Romans, by the Christians, in almost every country. There comes a point, after the 3,000th pogrom, when you just say, 'We need to try something different.'"

A statement has not yet been forcoming from President George W. Bush, but leading Bioterrorism experts expect the President to condemn the activities and impose harsh restrictions on both Brandeis and Israel. "Its oblivious what we're going to do," stated the President in a rare press commentary session, "we are going to fix this problem and make the wrongs right!"

While the administration grapples with the political situation and the world deals with the ethical issues, Brandeis students must survive the fall-out.

Crowds of thousands have ammassed throughout the University, some in support of and some condemning the actions of the school. A rally scheduled for tonight calls for toleration, while a hunger strike tomorrow has the stated goal of, "providing non-political support for Brandeis in this time of violence."

With over 150 people detained so far, including professors, administators, and graduate students, the University has come to a virtual standstill.

"Of course I knew this would happen," stated Professor Jacob Cohen (AMST) in an interview on Fox News yesterday. "I mean, most conspiracies are bunk, but when Jews are involved you know something is up." Cohen added that Jews have been behind such conspiracies of the JFK assasination, the Sacco and Vanzetti trial, and, of course, the cross burnings throughout the US South in the days after the civil war. "And don't forget the aliens," Cohen added. "Curious how those aliens are always wearing little hats..."

University President Jehuda Reinharz was not available for comment. The mysterious Hickey clone has not been seen again, he is presumably being kept in an FBI safe house.

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