I spend a lot of time, possibly too much, trying to make sure that people I know, like, and care about are happy. Sometimes, this leads to inadvertent conflict and upset, which is the opposite of my intent and thus perplexing. The specific incident category I’m thinking of now has to do with rides to the airport, and I bring it up because a similar thing has happened now with me and a few different people, which would imply that I’m doing something wrong, and thus should change my behavior.
Sometimes people call me and ask for rides places. This is generally sort of awkward because if you don’t want to take the time and effort to give someone a ride, its hard to just say no, you have to come up with a plausible excuse. So when I ask people for rides, I give them lots of opportunities to opt-out. So if someone says, “hey, do you still need that ride from the airport tomorrow?” I will respond with something along the lines of, “I would love to have a ride if it isn’t inconvenient for you, but otherwise I can take a cab.”
My intention here is to balance the relative energy — since I’m at the airport anyway, I have to get home, and my only limitation is money, and a bit of effort and hassle. But for someone else to go out of their way to get me, I’m making them use a valuable commodity, namely 2x the time it takes me to get home (once to get there, once to get back) not to mention the use of their car, the requirement of navigating crappy Boston traffic, the cost of tolls, etc. So I see it as, I really appreciate your offer, and I accept it, but I don’t require it, and if you want to back out because this is going to eat up a lot of your time and make you miserable, please do so, because I want to keep you happy, and that is more important than me getting home easily.
And then they get upset and say, “do you want the ride or not?” and get offended and start raising their voice.
So what am I doing wrong here, and how can I say what I want to say without accidentally saying something else entirely? Because I just don’t understand what is being misinterpreted, and why I’m upsetting people. I feel like my way is more considerate than flat out accepting a ride that I’ve asked for (and thus put someone on the spot for), but clearly my way is not the ideal way.
Hehe, boy do I know what you’re talking about.
Those who know me know that I really don’t like to inconvenience people, and in fact usually try to make life more convenient for people — I really don’t like asking for help.
The best way I’ve found for stuff like rides is the *first* time you bring up the subject with somebody, say something to the effect of “I’m going to need a ride from the airport, and I’m asking my friends with cars — if you don’t want to, that’s fine — just tell me now so that I can continue my quest.” It’s a bit of a mouthful, but it saves the awkward dance you’re describing.
And as much as you want to be courteous, I’d wager that 99% of the time that “do you still need that ride?” is just their way of checking — not looking for a way out. A courteous “yes, that’d be great if you still can” is probably appropriate. If when you first asked them you gave them ample opportunity to back out, and they still said yes, they’re probably happy to repay you for all the things you’ve done for them in the past.
Maybe you have AS
(Aspergers Syndrome)