Look Me In the Eye

People have this obsession with locking eyes and telling truth. I don’t get it, it doesn’t work for me. When I know that is happening, I can’t look someone in the eyes. I’m pretty sure that that was what really got me kicked off of the Justice – not looking David in the eyes when I told him that I didn’t do anything wrong. Even when police reports cleared me, no charges were filed, I even got what could be considered an apology, he didn’t trust me to come back, because I didn’t look him in the eye at The Boulevard when he asked me that question.

See, I have this inner subconscious thing about societal conventions, expected patterns of behavior, and all that. I knew what I was doing as I looked away, I knew I was dooming myself, but I couldn’t help it. Perhaps I hoped he would judge based on the facts and not some fake emotional exchange. There is a whole rant in here somewhere about the truth of memories, the ability of people to lie, etc., etc. Truth is, I’m a very bad liar, and thus I try to avoid big lies as much as possible. So people get upset sometimes, because I tell the truth, because I’m not as tactful as I could be but, for better or worse, that is who I am.

I should probably write the whole incident with the Justice down, but the conversations and chain of events are fuzzy enough that I don’t really feel confident to do so. People asked me about it for a long while afterwards, and no one is content with the explanation that “really, its not very exciting, in fact its quite boring.” Because, truthfully, it wasn’t a big thing, nothing incredible. Police investigations does not equal murder, intrigue, or whatever. And in America we have this thing about being innocent until proven guilty, and I wasn’t even charged. I was called in as a witness in a very minor act of tampering that I did not actually witness. A few statements were made (not by me) that were misinterpreted, and the police detective’s somewhat overzealous investigation lead to some troubles for a certain assistant editor (me) at a highly-unsympathetic newspaper. Of course, if I had waited until I had been established there, learned the people, and then carried out the investigation, this probably would have turned out very different. Truth is, I was given an opportunity for a job that I didn’t completely want, but I felt that the experience would be worth the work and so I signed on to try my hand at editing. I had some high dreams about getting to the heart of real stories that matter, especially at a newspaper that is not at all influenced by major media concerns like advertising. Too bad it didn’t work out, but maybe next year.

And I’ve used the expression “truth is” twice in one entry, which shows that I must really be out of it and incoherant here at 5:30 in the morning. But I figure, stay awake now, and I can sleep on the plane. So. Must…stay…awake.

(How did this come up? It was a line on 24.)