For the last few days I’ve been stressing out about the future. It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that in a few months Brandeis will vomit me and 800 other unprepared students out into the real world, in all of its glory, and we’ll have to start frantically swimming out way out of the goop and half-digested food we’re floating in.

I’m going about this all wrong. A couple years ago I was so darn positive. It’s almost painful in the way really sugary candy is on your teeth to read some of my old blog entries extolling the virtue of a new day, divining bliss from a new selection in the dining halls, enthusing ecstatically about the latest class I was taking.

Its funny because I know exactly where the tipping point is, and where it all started to, “go bad,” so to speak. Its junior year, when I got off my meds and the Justice went off its rocker, and we had a couple weeks worth of “racist incident” that just threw everything into disarray. It was then that everything that was starting to slowly change really spun up. Grades went down, I failed my first class, I got really confused about my place in the world and the point of student government. I started questioning everything I was doing.

Reading these old entries, I miss the days when I just really liked taking classes, when most of my day was organized around academics and friendships and a bit of Mock Trial. It was good. But student government and the people I met through it opened my eyes to another part of myself, a part that is very different, and once that Pandora’s box was opened, everything changed. Going to law school? Gone. Being able to graduate in three years? Poof! Having friendly, mentoring professors who liked me? Bang, splat!

But what I’m thinking right now, at this very moment, is that I need to stop worrying about those things. I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I’ve become a different person, and I can’t sit around regretting what I did wrong, and worrying about what I will do wrong next.

The world has a habit of working things out, and I need to embrace what is ahead instead of worrying about missed opportunities. I need to stop worrying about jobs and housing and where I’m going and how I’ll get there, and start fresh, with a positive outlook. My life has been a series of good things happening, of stuff working out, and I don’t see any reason to doubt that my luck, or whatever it is, will continue.

I think I knew all of these things, but for some reason recently I’ve lost track of them, and its about time I get back on track.

Alright world, who wants to hire me? 😉