From August through to December, my life has just been a string of failures. A failure to finish club renewals in the month I originally budgeted, resulting in an ongoing struggle and loads of work to get the damn thing done in a semester. Thank YOU, club leaders. A failure to keep issues of racism and the school newspaper in the student realm, with both sides asking and then forcing administrators to intervene, striking a blow for student soverignty. A failure to resolve any of the issues raised in a meaningful or productive manner. A failure to get all the people involved to just calm down, shut up, and go back to classes, including myself. A failure to account for that huge amount of time spent (wasted?) on a futile pursuit of happiness for students, resulting in…
A personal failure of classes, for the first time ever, and that just doesn’t help my prospects for grad school at all, in fact it hurts them, perhaps irreperably, and there is really nothing I can do about it at this point.
And finally, a failure at home. A failure to maintain on an ongoing basis anything I try to do at Maintex. The result is that I try to give people things that are better, try to improve their lives, but all it does is give them short-term hassles (thanks to a variety of factors, several out of my control) and then ongoing hassles because no one can maintain what I create and it ends up being thrown away anyway. Is there really any point to me creating a standard boot image, or trying to install antivirus software, or secure these computers? The result, of course, will be that someone here won’t have the specific software that only they use, and someone there can’t get their email, and someone over in the corner can’t do something else, and it’s just endless fixing things, and then when I leave something breaks and no one else knows even the basics to fix it and so they just get angry or throw it away or start over, and I’ve accomplished nothing.
I really can’t handle any more failures at this point. Maintex is great — nice people, good pay, but it’s just not something I can deal with any more. And tech support has not, is not, and will never be my thing. It’s just painful to do, and I don’t want any more stress, even if I’m getting paid for it.
I’m finished. I’m going to go in to work tomorrow, fix Orchid’s email, try to fix Ali’s computer, figure out how to back up the Mac server that serves less and less, and then going home, and that’s it. I’m done there, I think, because I’m not being useful to anyone, I’m not enjoying it, and I can do better doing something — anything — else.