So I have about 50 important e-mails to respond to, a bunch of books to read, an essay to write

Just another day in the life of a college student. September 19, 2001, to be exact. In my life. I’m just trying to figure out why I keep doing so many things wrong. Back in 2001 I found Brandeis and I was so happy. I did my work, I took part in activities, everything was new and exciting, and I enjoyed it all, learned and grew, and much of that was through classes in addition to all of my activities. Sure, I talked about how personal growth wins out over academic growth, etc., etc., but I did my work, I enjoyed it, I didn’t avoid it (so much), and I got it done. And I did okay in classes, and I got good grades.

So what has changed? Why is it now that when I sit down at a book to read it, a book I’m interested in, for a class I enjoy, I just don’t? I get distracted, I do stupid time-wasting things. Last semester was a disaster, a wake-up call, and this semester was going to be different, damnit, and I knew what I had to do and I knew I needed to fix things. So why am I back where I was? Why does this cycle continue to repeat?

I know I did the same thing freshman year, the same thing sophomore year, the same thing back in high school. But I always ended up getting things done, getting through it, coming out okay. I always knew that it would all work out. Last semester it didn’t, this semester was my chance to prove myself, and I don’t know why I can’t. I know, superficially, the things that I am doing wrong. I don’t know, I don’t understand, deep down, what I’m doing wrong, and why, and how to fix it.

I need help. I don’t know what that help is, exactly. Why am I not happy anymore? And now that I’ve stopped hiding that fact, where do I go from here?

What was I saying back in 2001, after a month at school? Oh yes:

I’ve been here some insanely short period of time, like less than a month, but already this place is my home. The people, the buildings, the surroundings are all mine now. Everyone I talk to who doesn’t live around here and who goes away or visits another college or whatever, comes back and tells me that this is what is home. They miss Brandeis when they’re gone. Its a great feeling.

Meanwhile, people in the UC system start college in the next few weeks. START! I’ve already been here an eternity. Yet, right now, I hope it never ends.

3 replies on “Wistful”

  1. if you could be a bit more specific about what “happened” last semester, I could give you more attuned response. If you couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t sit still to read books, etc, somewhat as now, I wonder if you aren’t experiencing the beginning phase of depression. I had the same problem in college, graduate school, life, life, more rotten life, etc…..

    Did you break up with someone, ie was there any precipitating event/s to this anxiety reaction? (sounds like anxiety, but wonder if it isn’t accompanied by depression)

    Now, as to my little problem. I saw you name–oh right, are you danny silverman? I hope–I”m having javascript error problems on my computer. I saw your name on a javascript error site–don’t know how I got here, guess rich graves wanted to spread his solution to something.

    Now, you are a student at a good school; hence you know lots of people who are computer-whizesque. And if you don’t know them, believe me, they are there.

    I’m an artist in NY and I need help with javascript errors on my computer. I have also been in therapy my entire life, so I can give you pretty good advice/insight/whatever it is you seem/feel you need. Plus I have graduate training in English Lit., so I know the Academic Situation.

    You get someone who can disentangle the gordian knot of my computer’s various intertwining wierdnesses (or even cut throught them), and you’ll be able to rely on someone with a lot of experience, to think about whatever it is you’re going through.


  2. With regard to the 50 emails, just set up a fun auto-responder that points to the Danny-Knowledge-Base.

  3. If only I could create an artificial intelligence that has all my knowledge and infinite patience. It could answer my email! But then I guess we wouldn’t need me much anymore, would we?

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